Okay, I know what you’re thinking. If you’re a guy, you’re jealous, and you’re asking yourself, “How does he do it? How does he keep a gorgeous woman on his arm and at his side year after year after year? What are his secrets?”
Well, finally, on the pages of this blog I’m going to share with you one of my surefire gal pleasin’ techniques. I’m going to let you in on a few secrets that could change your life right now, tonight. If not tonight, then by tomorrow. By the end of the week at the latest.
It all starts now with my copiously illustrated Three-Minute Guide To Mouth-Watering Success With Women Of All Ages And Hair Colors!
That’s right! In only 3 short minutes you’re gonna learn how to bait the hook and land the lovin’—for good!
But wait… here’s the really great news! There’s no need to break the bank!
You don’t have to spend a lot of money or buy a bunch of stuff. You can work this plan from start to finish for less than $10, including the cost of gasoline and breath mints. (Hell, I quit buying the expensive breath mints years ago. Kroger sells a pound bag of hard peppermint candy for just a buck. Works fine.)
Are you ready? Here goes… You can click on any photo to enlarge it.
Step One… Get Up And Get Downtown!
First thing Saturday morning, make a bee line for downtown. (click photo to enlarge)
Next Saturday morning get up early and put on comfortable, casual clothing There’s no need for designer labels here. It really doesn’t matter what you look like. Believe me. It doesn’t!
As soon as you’re dressed (you need to get this done by 10 a.m. or so), grab two tablespoons and a butcher knife from your kitchen, then head directly downtown. That’s where the girls are. You’ll want to park as close as you can to the center of the town square and walk the rest of the way to the courthouse. That’s where you’ll find ‘em.
Step Two… Make Your Selections.
Next, you’ll need to make a couple of good choices. Don’t hurry either of these. They’re important.
First, pick your target—the girl of your dreams. If you’re like me, that part will be easy. I always take my target with me, so I can spot her easily once I get downtown. If you don’t bring her with you, you’ll have to pick her out of the crowd. Again, take your time. You’re looking for the cream of the crop.
Once you’ve selected your target, note her position, then move quickly on to the next thing—selecting the bait.
Cut your best deal on the juiciest and sweetest watermelon you can find. Just because a vendor is featuring corn and tomatoes doesn't mean he doesn't offer sweet and juicy melons. Don't be shy. Ask!
Carefully examine the goods of all the locally grown produce vendors (most will be farmers who have brought their own produce to market), and determine which vendor is offering the best watermelons.
Now, pay attention. You’re not looking for the biggest melon. As long as it’s reasonably large, size really doesn’t matter. What matters is juicy and sweet. Your melon needs to be both.
Seeds. It’s important to get a watermelon that has seeds. Don’t trust your success to a seedless melon. Remember, you’re looking for maximum juicy and sweet. Stick with melons with seeds.
Once you’ve found the best bait in the square, make your best deal with the vendor. A sweet and juicy girl-catching melon shouldn’t run you more than 5 bucks.
Step Three… Run With The Football!
Secure the bait (your melon) in the cab of your pickup. Don't look back. Somebody will be following you! So far, so good. (click photo to enlarge)
Okay. You don’t really have to run. Just tuck the melon in your arm like it’s a football, then proceed to walk through the crowd, making several passes in front of your target. You want her to see you and your sweet and juicy melon. She’ll instinctively know that your melon is the sweetest and juiciest. Just be sure that she sees it!
After a few laps around the town square, head back to your parking space and secure the “football” in the cab of your truck. Don’t put it in the truck bed. Unexpected things could happen to it there.
Step Four… Find Your Spot.
Drive straight to the public park, then select a secluded picnic table in a shady area. (click photo to enlarge)
Location, location, location!
Drive straight to the park and find the picnic table that’s best positioned to promote privacy and romance.
Park a short distance from that table, grab your melon, spoons and butcher knife, then walk proudly and conspicuously toward that picnic table, being sure to keep your melon in plain view.
Set your melon on the picnic table, take out your butcher knife, then slice the green wonder into quarters. Stick a tablespoon into each of two quarters of melon.
Now, being careful not to obstruct the view of your melon, stand back a few feet and wait!
Step Five… The Sweet, Juicy Taste Of Success!
Hittin' the jackpot! Photographic proof of my success with this technique just yesterday afternoon!
There’s magic in the melon! Within just a few moments you should be sharing your picnic table with the girl of your dreams.
She’ll be smiling and laughing, driving you crazy with her sweet, juicy and sugar-sticky lips.
Be a gentleman, offer her a paper towel and ask her to marry you.
Love her for the rest of your life!
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
You two are adorable! I miss you both. Does this technique work on bachelors too? Please send a watermellon and a roll of Bounty towels ASAP.
Love,
Pam
This is so-o-o-o sweet! As sweet as eating a real watermelon. And a perfect follow-up to our delicious after-church Sunday dinner @ Calypso. My deepest thanks to you both for the invitation.
With all my heart I’m hoping we are going to enjoy more blogs like this one! Perhaps even a return to the wonderful serial “Riding Across America”? Sure would make for some great summer reading.
Mary Ann ate the whole melon?? That’s love.