©2007 foxypar4
M any people have secrets that aren’t altogether secret. Most of us have at least one confidant, and sooner or later we disclose some of the dirty details of our most private and embarrassing desires, our hidden and taboo fantasies, to our bartender, best friend, sweetheart, or spouse. Just ask any seasoned detective—someone always knows the hidden truth, but whether from loyalty or a sense of shared shame, chooses to safeguard the confidence.
Recently, Prentice publicly confessed his temptation to breach a promise to me should he be allowed to make an unchaperoned trip to Atlanta. I appreciate how difficult that confession was for him. It took courage. Not only must it have been an embarrassment, but he must also have known that in making the confession he was foreclosing any possibility that he would be able to taste the forbidden fruit. He was, I think, in his own way reaching out for help.
Over the past several days I have been thinking quite a lot about that confession. I can understand the power of the primal desires that call to him in Atlanta, the Jezebel of the South. I can empathize with his longing and desire. I am a grownup, and I know that the things he feels are shared by many men, and many women as well.
Good has come of it. His honesty has been good for our relationship, and he has ensured that I will step in to prevent him from engaging in behaviors that are harmful to him.
Prentice’s confession has brought forcefully to my mind a secret that I have myself been keeping and my need to confess it. I have envied him his strength, and I have resolved to match it in my own life. However, unlike Prentice’s experience, it is unlikely that my secret desires will be so easily understood by many people. The number of people who will empathize with my hidden fantasies will be small.
Prentice will understand why I have kept this to myself and, I’m sure, have compassion for this burning in my heart. But, I doubt that even he will understand what has brought me to want… to crave what I crave. This is harder than I thought it would be.
I want to attend the United States Highland Dance Championship that will be held here in Nashville this month. There, I’ve said it! I want to see the Highland Fling, Sword Dances, Reels. I want to admire the plaids and kilts, watch the footwork and marvel at the dexterity of the participants. I want to hear the drone of the bagpipes, the wail of the fiddles, and call of the flutes. I want it all!
A thing like this is, I know, common, loud, cheap and gaudy. God help me, it is everything that I like, and my heart yearns for the excitement! Many years ago, when we were young, Prentice too was common, loud, cheap and gaudy. He weakened my knees, and I did love him so!
How can someone with two left feet be drawn to such a thing as Scottish Highland Dance? I don’t know, I just am. How can anyone who loves Rossini want to listen to the dissonance? I can no more explain why I like it than I can tell you why I love Prentice. I just do.
I know that Prentice will want to take me, to let me realize this fantasy of swirling, kaleidoscopic music, color and dance, but hateful practicalities may make it impossible for me to attend the competition. Two days off work in the middle of the month may not be something I can afford, even were it for something less taboo than Highland Dance. I will, however, no longer pretend that I am indifferent to its lure.
Call me a teuchter, hick or hillbilly, I don’t care. I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not promoting a personal agenda. I won’t put it in your face, but I will no longer deny who I am. God help me, I am a Scotophile.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah confession is good for the soul, yes?? You need to meet mine and Cas’ good friend, Brian Kannard….a real Scottsman with the kilt to prove it. Every June 24 he celebrates the Battle of Bannockburn with a gathering at his home and a toast to Robert the Bruce. Truly, you need to make his acquaitance. He has walked the hills of Scotland and can tell you anything your heart desires, him being a Scotophile as well.
Hmm…watching a dancing competition and eating a greasy burger in Atlanta….if these are considered your biggest secrets and sins…..me thinks your wings are still intact!!
Just checked the listings…this is held July 19 on a SUNDAY at teh downtown Doubletree Hotel and is $5 per person….there is absolutely NO reason you should not go – life is too short – GO!!!!
I love Highland Dancing. What’s to be embarrassed about? It is so bright and colorful and musical and fun! I wish they were holding this in my neck of the woods.