A few weeks ago I overheard my son, a counseling psychologist, discussing an elderly lady (now 85) who was widowed at the young age of 49. Following the loss of her husband the lady spent several years raising her 14-year-old son to adulthood and caring for her aging mother. In later years she devoted herself to her three sons and their families. Her life was one of sharing, service and, on more than one occasion, sacrifice.
She never indicated the slightest interest in dating or remarriage, and it was mentioned that her sons were quite comfortable with her disposition.
Recognizing the need that so many of us feel for an intimate companion, my son sensed that the lady must have spent many lonely days and nights which she might have been spared had she found another companion, had she remarried. Her disdain for remarriage, in his personal and professional opinion, was harmful to her and near pathological.
Overhearing this conversation caused me to realize three things:
(1) That in raising my son I somehow failed to communicate to him something very important about marriage; and
(2) That there are few subjects more generally misunderstood, even among those who undertake to counsel people on the subject, than marriage; and
(3) I have subsequently become aware that most Christians suffer from a fundamental misunderstanding of what Christ had to say about an important aspect of the subject—the survival of the marital union beyond the grave.
Father Raniero Cantalamessa, Pontifical Household Preacher, spoke to the Papal household on this subject in a simple, yet insightful, way.
“On this occasion I would like to treat a theme that is of definite interest not only to widows and widowers but also to all those who are married, especially during this month in which we remember the dead. Does the death of a husband or wife, which brings about the legal end of a marriage, also bring with it the total end of communion between the two persons? Does something of that bond which so strongly united two persons on earth remain in heaven, or will all be forgotten once we have crossed the threshold into eternal life?
One day, some Sadducees presented Jesus with the unlikely case of a woman who was successively the wife of seven brothers, asking him whose wife she would be after the resurrection. Jesus answered: “When they rise from the dead they will neither marry nor be given in marriage but will be like angels in heaven” (Mark 12:25).
Interpreting this saying of Jesus wrongly, some have claimed that marriage will have no follow-up in heaven. But with his reply Jesus is rejecting the caricature the Sadducees presented of heaven, as if it were going to be a simple continuation of the earthly relationship of the spouses. Jesus does not exclude the possibility that they might rediscover in God the bond that united them on earth.
According to this vision, marriage does not come to a complete end at death but is transfigured, spiritualized, freed from the limits that mark life on earth, as also the ties between parents and children or between friends will not be forgotten. In a preface for the dead the liturgy proclaims: “Life is transformed, not taken away.” Even marriage, which is part of life, will be transfigured, not nullified.
But what about those who have had a negative experience of earthly marriage, an experience of misunderstanding and suffering? Should not this idea that the marital bond will not break at death be for them, rather than a consolation, a reason for fear? No, for in the passage from time to eternity the good remains and evil falls away. The love that united them, perhaps for only a brief time, remains; defects, misunderstandings, suffering that they inflicted on each other, will fall away.
Indeed, this very suffering, accepted with faith, will be transformed into glory. Many spouses will experience true love for each other only when they will be reunited “in God,” and with this love there will be the joy and fullness of the union that they did not know on earth. In God all will be understood, all will be excused, all will be forgiven.” (Read the full text of Father Cantalamessa’s remarks: Rome, 10 November, 2006, on the Eternal Word Television Network site.)
Carrying Father Cantalamessa’s thought further, John Mayendorff, in Marriage An Orthodox Perspective (p.13-16) writes:
When he speaks of widowhood, St. Paul presupposes that marriage is not broken by death, for “love never fails” (Cor. 13:8). In general, Paul’s attitude toward marriage is clearly distinct from the Jewish rabbinic view in that—especially in I Corinthians—he gives such strong preference to celibacy over marriage. Only in Ephesians is this negative view corrected by the doctrine of marriage as a reflection of the union between Christ and the Church—a doctrine which became the basis of the entire theological marriage as found in the Orthodox tradition.
However, on one issue—the remarriage of widowers—Paul’s view, as it is expressed in I Corinthians, is strictly upheld by the canonical and sacramental tradition of the Church: “If they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn” (I Corinthians 7:9). Second, marriage—either of a widower or of a divorcee—is only tolerated as better than “burning.” Until the tenth century it was not blessed in church and, even today, it remains an obstacle for entering the clergy.
Our contemporary rote for blessing second marriages also shows clearly that it is admitted only by condescension. In any case, Scripture and Tradition agree that faithfulness of the widower or the widow to his or her deceased partner is more than an “ideal”; it is a Christian norm. Christian marriage is not only an earthly sexual union, but an eternal bond which will continue when our bodies will be “spiritual” and when Christ will be “all in all.”
These three examples clearly show that in the New Testament a totally new concept of marriage is being introduced—it is directly dependent upon the “Good News” of the of Resurrection which was brought by Christ. A Christian is called—already in this world—to experience new life, to become a citizen of the Kingdom, and he can do so in marriage. But then marriage ceases to be either a simple satisfaction of temporary natural urges, or a means for securing an illusory survival through posterity. It is a unique union of two beings in love, two beings who can transcend their own humanity and thus be united not only “with each other,” but also “in Christ.” (Marriage, An Orthodox Perspective by John Mayendorff, St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press (1975)
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Thanks for this article. My wife died in 2002, and I have always hope that wasn’t the end of our relationship. Your article gives me hope that it wasn’t.
Your blog is really strange in a good way. The articles seem to be so randomly chosen, and nothing is predictable. I just found this blog but I’ll be back often for more.