All day I’ve been trying to think of a topic to write about that would allow me to use the word “absquatulate” at least once. I haven’t used the word in many years, at least since the last time I knew how to spell it, and it somehow seemed important that I work it into a blog post. I considered writing about the way the executives of my mortgage company absquatulated with a gazillion dollars of taxpayer money, about the Great Absquatulation of my money to insurance companies and healthcare professionals over the past year, or the nimble mass absquatulistic effect of artful practioners like Glenn Beck and MIchael Savage who, as if by magic, daily separate millions from their good sense, fleeing all reason as if it were a fire.
I considered these topics, but in the end I decided upon another. Instead, I will write a single sentence directed to that beautiful woman sitting just across the room who, in the foolishness of her youth, absquatulated with me so many years ago. To her I say, "C'mon Baby, let’s do it again, but a little slower this time."
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Yes, of course I’ve absquatulated. I’m a grown woman. But, I wouldn’t just get on the Internet and declare it to the world. It would be too embarrassing. That’s why I haven’t used my real name to make this comment. You won’t know who I am will you? Oh no!
Not on the furniture!